When Holidays Aren't Happy

Those dealing with grief over the holidays face a double challenge. Don't give up, advises this music therapist.

Holidays are a tough time for grieving. All around, people are celebrating, gathering, feasting and exchanging gifts. The demands of the season feel overwhelming to many at the best of times; but to one who is grieving the death or dying of a beloved person, the added emotional weight requires extra thought to make it bearable.

Deanna Edwards is a Cache Valley author and composer who is knowledgeable about grief work. She is the author of "Grieving: The Pain and the Promise." An adjunct lecturer in music therapy at Utah State University, she worked for four years with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a pioneer in the psychology of grief.

Edwards offered a program that was part inspiration and part no-nonsense advice Friday evening. Interspersed with the singing of "God Bless America" and "Silent Night," she told her audience to acknowledge the pain of grieving and to avoid escapes like too much sleep and extended work hours.

"Hold your pain in your own arms," she advised.

Describing the pain of grief, she used the metaphor of a cracked heart. But, she added, the cracks allow the light within us to shine out. In contrast to those sentiments, she also emphasized the usefulness of the words "die" and "death." She said that Kubler-Ross had taught her to use those words rather than euphemisms like pass on, cross over and others.

"We live in a death-, age- and pain-denying society," she said.

But, she added, clear-sightedness is a potent antidote. Edwards related a story in which a father and his young son contemplate a relative in his casket.

"George looks like he's sleeping," says the father.

"No," says the child. "He looks like he died."

Personal involvement during grief may counteract society's influence, she suggested. Helping wash and clothe the dead body may offer a way for the grieving one to show love and respect, as well as allowing the process of grieving to go forward.

According to articles in a holiday edition of the bereavement newsletter "Journeys" from Hospice Foundation of America, it is important to think about how to take care of yourself if you are grieving during the holidays.

"Acknowledging grief takes real work. Adjustment to the death or dying of someone close to you does not simply come with time," noted Ellen Zinner in her article "Helpful Holiday Hints."

Kenneth J. Doka suggested following a plan of action using the three C's: Choose, Communicate and Compromise. Choose the activities to participate in and the people to be with. Discuss choices with others, especially those affected, so they will understand. Open communication lets relatives and close friends know how they can help the grieving one. And recognize that each person grieves in an individual way, so be open to compromise.

While grieving may not be a choice, how we express grief is. Some feel that relating memories of the ones that have died may be painful or inappropriate during holiday get-togethers. Yet, telling stories when family and friends gather is usually a valued part of the gathering.

"Through our memories we maintain a sense of connection with someone who has died," maintains Paul Irion, another HFA writer. "Encouraging the remembering process is actually doing a favor to those who are grieving."

LaNae Ricks, a colleague who contributed to Edwards' program told of the deaths of two of her sisters in the car wreck that left her in critical condition. She declared, "Remembering the dead makes them still part of our lives and allows for joy along with the pain."

Appropriately enough, and touchingly, Ricks and Edwards sang a duet, "Remember Me."

Zinner relayed a few suggestions to help those in grief move through the coming season. She suggested making exercise a priority, as it combats depression. Planning ahead can also help sort through the overwhelming number of activities. And, finally, letting others know about plans and expressing your needs for emotional support or sharing is important.

"Unknown expectations generally go unfulfilled and lead to disappointment and bad feeling," she said.

In a changeabout approach, Edwards reminded her audience, when offering help to a friend or relative in grief, ask in a specific way. Otherwise, the help may well be turned down.

If you say, "Is there anything I can do?" or "Are you OK?" the answer is likely to be "Oh, I'm fine." If you say, "Call me if you need anything," the answer will probably be weeks of deafening silence.

But if you ask, "May I wash the dishes?" or "May I go with you?" or "May I pick up the dry-cleaning?" the grieving one might just say, "Yes, thank you."

Surprisingly enough, Zinner advocates celebrating life, although still in the midst of grief. Edwards even mentioned that new holiday traditions might arise after a death, if those who are grieving talk together and plan them.

To those who are grieving, Zinner declared, "Try to accept this as your challenge. Life is worth living only to the extent that we make it so."

More information about the newsletter "Journeys" is available from the Hospice Foundation of America by calling (800) 854-3402.